Monday, May 20, 2013

Lessons I Learned the Hard Way

Hey ya'll. So, it's occurred to me that I'm a bit hard headed.

I know, I know. It's really surprising to everyone because I come across as such a timid, "go with the flow" personality.

But, in reality, I'm actually quite "Type-A". Some may choose to go as far as to say, perhaps, stubborn. Others may or may not even choose to refer to me as "high maintenance" (yes, I'm making air quotes with each of these sets of quotation marks), however I would never be that dramatic or go that far. To each their own.

But regardless, this ailment of mine causes me to take a tougher road from time to time. I've been quoted to say that I like to learn my lessons the hard way.

Boys and girls, buckle up. I am going to share with you some of these very intimate, very personal lessons that I have learned the hard way.

1. Do not, under any circumstances, watch a documentary about Jack the Ripper in the middle of the night when you can't fall asleep.

2. All pancake mixes are not created equal. Krusteaz, no. Hungry Jack, yeah, I'll pass. Generic brand, you're joking. I am a Bisquick girl. I will stand by that.

3. Never, I repeat, NEVER attempt an at-home bikini wax. Some serious procedures require professionals. Respect the art.

4. If your 18 month old finds the play-doh bucket and is unsupervised for even a small amount of minutes, you will end up with much less play-doh than you began with, and an 18 month old with play-doh breath. Calm down, that crap is made for children. It's non-toxic. Unless you have a gluten-free child, in which case, you've got a problem. I learned, whilst scouring all information on play-doh, that it does in fact, contain wheat.

5. If you are obsessive compulsive like me, don't have a melt down when your husband opens a new bag of frozen tortellini before the previous bag has been consumed. This will result in a fight that will end with you looking like a maniac, and your husband laughing at your ridiculous outburst.

6. If you do, in fact, choose not to head my warning about the frozen tortellini and you have a massive blow up about it, I'd recommend not bringing up the frozen waffles, bedazzled tweezers, or half-eaten boxes of cereal.

7. Never assume that it's been long enough to admit to your parents about your poor life choices and think that they'll find it as amusing as you and your friends do.

8. Sometimes, we give our babies bottles of milk, or worse, formula. Sometimes, said bottles fall behind cribs, get stuck between car seats, or wind up shoved under a couch. Sometimes, we find them a number of days weeks later. Do not, under any circumstances, open up said bottles to try to wash them. Just throw them away, and consider it a loss. Trust me, it's not worth opening. Ever.

9. Always check your phone and make sure you aren't butt-dialing anyone before you start talkin' crap on people. Or, just maybe don't talk crap. Meh. Or just check your phone first.

and lastly

10. Always, always smell the lunch meat before you make a sandwich.

And as an honorable mention, I'd like to throw in that taking an Ambien is a BAD idea. You will humiliate yourself. Repeatedly. 



Sarah Welch said...

haha, you sure are hilarious too miss! the ambian. i'll laugh forever for that one. you kill me.

Allderacove said...

You just have to go right to bed after you take the Ambien. The results if you don't though, can be hilarious. I've seen em. :)